should you visit your parents

How Often Should You Visit Elderly Parents and Relatives?

According to experts, the answer varies depending on a number of factors, including your parents' health, their living situation, and your own schedule and avai

How Ofter Should I Visit?

As our parents age, it's natural to wonder how often we should be visiting them. After all, we want to make sure they're doing well and that we're there to support them in any way possible. But how often is often enough?

According to experts, the answer varies depending on a number of factors, including your parents' health, their living situation, and your own schedule and availability.

Factors to Consider

If your parents are in good health and able to take care of themselves, you may not need to visit as often. However, if they have health issues that require monitoring or assistance, you may need to visit more frequently.

Living Situation

If your parents live independently, you may need to visit more often to ensure they're able to take care of themselves and their home. If they live in an assisted living facility or nursing home, you may be able to visit less frequently, as they have staff on hand to help them.

Your Availability

Of course, your own schedule and availability will also play a role in how often you can visit your parents. If you live far away or have a busy job or family life, you may not be able to visit as often as you'd like.

The Benefits of Visiting Elderly Parents and Relatives

Visiting elderly parents and relatives can have numerous benefits, including:

• Strengthening emotional bonds : Spending time with loved ones can help maintain and strengthen emotional connections, which can contribute to overall well-being.
• Preventing future regrets : Visiting elderly parents and relatives can help prevent feelings of guilt or regret later in life when it's too late to spend time with them.
• Checking on health and well-being: Observing changes in behavior or physical appearance can help detect underlying health issues early on, before they become serious problems.
• Creating new memories: Engaging in activities together or reminiscing about old times can create new memories that will be cherished by both you and your loved ones.
• Gaining valuable insights : Elderly parents and relatives have lived through decades of life and have valuable insights that can benefit you in various aspects of life. Listening to their stories and advice may provide valuable lessons that you may not get elsewhere.

Overall, taking the time to visit elderly parents and relatives can be a rewarding experience, both for them and for you. It provides an opportunity to connect emotionally, check on health, create memories, and gain insights that may be helpful in your own life.

Tips for Visiting a Loved One in a Care Home

When visiting a loved one in a care home, it's important to keep in mind that they may be dealing with physical or cognitive impairments that can make communication and interaction challenging. Here are some tips to help make your visit as enjoyable and comfortable as possible:

• Plan ahead : Before your visit, call the care home to find out the best time to visit and if there are any restrictions or guidelines you should be aware of. Consider bringing along any items that may help facilitate communication, such as photos or mementos.
• Be patient : If your loved one has cognitive impairments like dementia, they may struggle to recognize you or remember who you are. Don't take this personally and try not to get frustrated. Instead, focus on making them feel comfortable and at ease.
• Engage in activities : Bringing along an activity like a puzzle or game can help break the ice and give you something to do together. You could also bring along a favorite snack or treat to share.
• Listen actively : Your loved one may have a lot to say, so be sure to listen actively and ask questions to show your interest. Even if they repeat themselves or seem confused at times, it's important to validate their feelings and opinions.
• Respect their privacy : While it's important to engage with your loved one during your visit, it's also important to respect their privacy and personal space. If they need some alone time or seem tired, don't be afraid to give them some space.

By following these tips, you can help ensure that your visits with your loved one in a care home are positive experiences for both of you. Remember that every individual is unique, so don't be afraid to experiment with different approaches until you find what works best for you both.

What Not to do When Visiting a Care Home

When visiting a care home, it's important to remember that the residents are in a vulnerable state and may be dealing with various physical or cognitive impairments. To ensure that your visit is respectful and enjoyable for everyone involved, there are certain things you should avoid doing, such as:

• Bringing in food or drinks without checking with staff first: Some residents may have specific dietary restrictions or allergies that need to be taken into account. Bringing in outside food or drink can also be against the care home's policies.
• Taking photos or videos without permission: It's important to respect the privacy of the residents and their families. Taking photos or videos without permission can be intrusive and disrespectful.
• Speaking loudly or using inappropriate language: Loud noises and inappropriate language can be disruptive and distressing for some residents. It's important to speak calmly and respectfully.
• Touching or moving resident's belongings without permission: Residents' belongings are important to them and may hold sentimental value. Moving or touching their belongings without permission can be disrespectful and upsetting.
• Ignoring staff instructions or guidelines: Care homes often have specific rules and guidelines in place for visitors. It's important to follow these instructions to ensure the safety and well-being of all residents.

By avoiding these actions, you can help create a positive environment for both the residents and staff at a care home. Remember that your visit should always prioritize the comfort and well-being of those around you.

Ways to Make Visits More Enjoyable for Elderly Parents and Relatives

Visiting elderly parents and relatives can be a great way to spend quality time with them, but it's important to make sure the visit is enjoyable for everyone involved. Here are some ideas for making visits more enjoyable:

Music has been shown to have numerous benefits for seniors, including reducing stress and anxiety, improving mood, and enhancing cognitive function. Consider playing some of your loved one's favorite songs or artists during your visit. You could also bring along a small instrument like a ukulele or harmonica and play together.

Bring a Pet

Pets are known to have therapeutic benefits for people of all ages, including reducing loneliness and depression. If your loved one is an animal lover, consider bringing along a well-behaved pet for them to interact with. Make sure to check with the care home or facility first to ensure that pets are allowed.

Engage in Arts and Crafts

Engaging in arts and crafts can be a fun way to spend time together while also stimulating creativity and fine motor skills. You could bring along some supplies like coloring books, markers, or knitting needles and work on a project together.

Take a Walk Outside

Getting outside can provide numerous health benefits, including boosting vitamin D levels and improving mood. If weather permits, take a walk outside with your loved one. Even just sitting outside in the sun can provide health benefits.

By incorporating these ideas into your visits with elderly parents or relatives, you can help make the experience more enjoyable for everyone involved. Remember that each individual is unique, so be sure to adapt these ideas based on your loved one's interests and abilities.

Tips for Dealing with Difficult Emotions During Visits with Elderly Parents and Relatives

Visiting elderly parents and relatives can bring up a range of emotions, including sadness, guilt, frustration, and even anger. Here are some tips for dealing with difficult emotions during visits:

Acknowledge Your Feelings

It's important to recognize and acknowledge your own feelings before visiting your elderly loved ones. Take some time to reflect on why you may be feeling a certain way and try to identify the root cause.

Practice Self-Care

Dealing with difficult emotions can be draining, so it's important to prioritize self-care before and after your visit. This might include taking a walk in nature, practicing meditation or deep breathing exercises, or engaging in activities that bring you joy.

Seek Support

Talking to a trusted friend or family member about your feelings can help provide perspective and support. Alternatively, seeking the help of a professional counselor or therapist can also be beneficial.

Practice Empathy

Remember that your loved one may also be experiencing difficult emotions related to their aging process. Try to put yourself in their shoes and practice empathy by listening actively and validating their feelings.

Set Boundaries

If visiting your loved one is causing significant stress or emotional turmoil, it may be necessary to set boundaries around how often you visit or how much time you spend together. Remember that it's okay to prioritize your own well-being.

By implementing these tips into your visits with elderly parents or relatives, you can help manage difficult emotions while still maintaining a strong connection with your loved ones.

Recommendations

The National Institute on Aging recommends that adult children visit their elderly parents "as often as possible," but they also acknowledge that the frequency of visits will depend on individual circumstances.

According to AgingCare.com, most adult children visit their elderly parents about once a week. However, it's important to note that this can vary widely depending on the factors listed above. For example, if your parents live in a nursing home or assisted living facility, they may have more opportunities for socialization and interaction with staff and other residents.

Ultimately, what's most important is to maintain open communication with your parents and make sure they know you're there for them, even if you can't visit as often as you'd like. Regular phone calls, video chats, or even sending letters or care packages can help bridge the distance and keep your relationship strong. Additionally, consider involving other family members or friends in visits or check-ins to share the responsibility and provide additional support for your elderly parents.

In conclusion, there's no one-size-fits-all answer to the question of how often you should visit elderly parents. It depends on a variety of factors, including your parents' health, their living situation, and your own availability.

However, experts generally recommend visiting as often as possible, and most adult children visit their parents about once a week. The key is to maintain open communication and make sure your parents know you're there for them, no matter how often you're able to visit.

• https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/what-can-we-do-help-our-elderly-parents-who-live-long-distance
• https://www.agingcare.com/articles/how-often-should-you-visit-elderly-parents-156443.htm

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Timing Visiting Elderly Parents So Everyone Thrives

Visiting elderly parents is top on many people’s list, but how often should you visit? Balancing a work/life schedule that ensures your parents are okay, yet allows them to maintain their independence is often comparable to walking a tight rope. Basing your visits on their needs is the key to maintaining a proper balance.

Detriments of Loneliness

The National Institute on Aging found that, in seniors, loneliness often contributes to health problems such as a higher systolic blood pressure and depression. Ensuring that your loved one doesn’t feel lonely also helps keep his levels of interleukin-6 at a proper level. This is an inflammatory protein that may contribute to certain diseases, including some cancers, cardiovascular disease, and Alzheimer’s.

Frequency of Visits

Visiting elderly parents is one way to ensure that they don’t wallow in despair and loneliness. Taking their grandchildren or other friends along on the visit is another idea to combat loneliness. Consider your parents’ schedule and your own when determining how often to visit. If a family dinner on Sundays was a tradition for your family throughout the years, it is a wise idea to continue. Keeping up with these types of traditions will make your loved one feel that he or she is responsible for instilling values in the family unit.

Routines are also important in making seniors feel more secure. If you take your parents grocery shopping and to run errands on Thursday afternoons, it’s helpful to shuffle your schedule each week to continue this routine. It is often more beneficial for the senior to know when you will visit rather than surprising them randomly whenever you have a moment to spare. The scheduled visits are something that they can look forward to and plan around their own schedules.

Visits to Facilities

If your parents live in an assisted living or nursing home facility, the temptation to stop by briefly each day may be strong. You may feel need to ensure that your parents are being cared for in an appropriate manner. But keep in mind that daily visits may not suit your loved one’s schedule any more than it will suit yours. Remember that your senior may be surrounded by new friends and involved in new social activities. Check with them first, so you don’t come off as hovering.

Daily visits may be detrimental to your own work/life balance, too, even if the facility is near your home or office. Make the most of your facility visits by becoming friendly with the staff and other residents. If they know that you are a frequent and caring presence, the residents will share any concerns about your parent’s well-being. Your presence not only helps keep the staff members on their toes, it assists them in determining how to best accommodate your parent’s needs. Keep in mind that facilities have routines and schedules that enable it to function well. Avoid visiting during therapy, group activities, meals or bath time.

Whether you visit your parents once a week or more frequently depends upon how well they are coping with the aging process and all it entails. You don’t want your visits to feel intrusive; your desire is to instill confidence in your loved on that you are their number-one advocate. Listen to your parent’s verbal cues and never disregard their feelings. Visiting elderly parents is one of the best ways to ensure that the new “normal” provides a quality of living for everyone concerned.

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Health & wellness, the importance of visiting older family members.

Having meaningful relationships is critical to maintaining physical and emotional health as we age. Not surprisingly, the familial bond is one of the most important.

Even after your loved one has moved into a retirement community, they still risk experiencing loneliness and social isolation – prevalent issues among the senior community that can be mitigated by regular contact with friends and family. 

Physical distance may occasionally pose a problem, in which case phone calls, letters, and emails play a more prominent role. Still, there are multiple reasons why you should make every effort to visit your parents or grandparents as often as you can.

Benefits to Visiting Seniors

Healthy, strong relationships and good communication mutually benefit everyone involved, but they require maintenance. As parents age and potentially struggle with mobility or driving, you can step in and visit them at their retirement campus.

Boosts Cognitive Health and Wards Off Loneliness

Spending time with your parents or grandparents significantly benefits their mental, emotional, and physical health. Recent studies have connected social isolation and loneliness with cognitive decline, increased rates of infection, and even mortality. Conversely, spending time with your loved ones boosts their social and emotional engagement and wards off loneliness.  

Improves Memory Recall

Conversations, photos, home videos, and music can prompt nostalgia that reminds you and your loved ones of happy or significant memories. Additionally, you can create new memories through shared experiences, from holiday parties and outings to activities as simple as taking a stroll or eating together.

Ensures They Are Well Cared For

Making in-person visits also lets you take stock of your loved one’s living situation and ensure they are happy and healthy. Additionally, you can gauge how they are coping with a chronic illness, if they need encouragement with nutrition and fitness, or if they could use extra help with finances, medications, or daily tasks.  

Shows You Care

Perhaps most importantly, a visit communicates how much you love and care about someone. It demonstrates that you will put forth time and effort to stay connected. Giving someone your physical presence is often the most meaningful thing you can do for them.

However, seniors are not the only ones who benefit from these visits. It’s equally important for family members, including grandchildren, to foster valuable relationships with grandparents, parents, aunts, and uncles. Not only does it help deter your own loneliness, but it allows you to create lasting memories that will be increasingly meaningful later in life.

For young family members, they can hear their grandparents’ stories, learn about their history and heritage, and get to know someone important in your life.

Making Your Visits Meaningful

When you visit your family member – mom, dad, grandma, or grandpa – there are numerous ways you can increase the impact of the visit.

You take them a special gift for a holiday or birthday, or even something simple but special, like a homemade treat unique to your family cookbook. If you’re visiting with children, it could be an opportune time to review an old photo album or childhood mementos together and share stories.

The most important aspect of your visit is how you spend the time, which can vary based on your loved one’s preferences and abilities. They may enjoy getting off campus for a day and visiting a local Federal Way or Seattle attraction or taking a scenic drive to a Washington landmark. You can also share a meal, play a board game, or take a walk on the grounds. Village Green Senior Living has numerous amenities and communal areas, including libraries, cozy parlors, and juice bars, where you can gather with family and friends.

If your parent or grandparent is learning a new hobby, they might enjoy having you try it out with them, which can be a bonding experience for both of you. It is also natural for seniors to want to feel relevant, which means asking for their opinions, sharing what is going on in their life, or discussing a topic they are both interested in. You are never too old for advice or guidance from your parents, and open communication is critical for maintaining healthy relationships.

Visitation Guidelines at Village Green

Most retirement facilities, such as Village Green , know how important it is for residents to stay in touch with their families, and they do what they can to facilitate and support visitation. However, a process must be followed to help preserve the safety, security, and comfort of all residents.

When you get to Village Green , you should check in so they are aware of your presence on the campus. They can also fill you in on the schedule of meals and programs for that day. Here, families are encouraged to share meals with residents. In addition, throughout the year, we host brunches, lunches, and special events to which family and friends are invited.

Village Green also encourages family members to be involved in their loved one’s care. We are happy to answer questions and address any concerns you may have regarding visitation or staying in contact with your family member.

Here are some more frequently asked questions we get about visitations! 

When are Visitors Allowed?

While you don’t want to cruise in at midnight on a loud motorcycle, most quality senior living campuses have an open-door policy, more or less. Living independently is the biggest draw for senior living communities, so there shouldn’t be too many restrictions on who can visit and when.  

Can I Spend the Night? How About Children?

Senior living communities have different policies on whether or not they allow overnight guests. However, Village Green does allow overnight guests. Simply check in at the front desk and let them know you will have guests stay the night.

Are Pets Allowed to Visit?

If you’re a pet owner, you already know how much joy unconditional love can bring. If your parent is fond of your dog, his/her occasional visit would be most welcome. Check on the facility’s animal policy; at the very least, you should be able to bring your pet to visit your parent on the grounds, if not inside. 

In addition, some retirement living homes allow residents to have their pets, and some have faculty pets for all to enjoy. Village Green is a pet-friendly campus!

Can I Join My Family Member for a Meal?

You might take it for granted that you would be able to dine with your loved one at a retirement campus, but before moving in, you should still ask. You should be able to share a meal in the dining room with your parent and their friends whenever your schedule allows, but some places have restrictions. Once you’ve narrowed your choices, take your parent to the dining room for lunch or dinner and mingle with the residents. This is the perfect opportunity to get the “inside scoop” on the pros and cons of everyday living at your possible home of choice.

The bottom line is – a senior living community should allow your parent to continue their social interaction with friends and family without significant changes. Village Green encourages families to enjoy a meal and a visit with their loved ones. Once again, please let the front desk know you will have guests so they can plan accordingly. In addition, we do require advanced notice for large group meals in the private dining room.

If your parent or older family member is ready to make the move to a retirement community, Village Green Senior Living in Federal Way and West Seattle, Washington, offers exemplary senior living options. Reach out today  to start the conversation!

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If You Plan to Visit Aging Parents, Bring a To-Do List

During quarantine, medical, financial and household issues may have cropped up. Preparing before your visit can ease tensions and get to what you really want — a joyful visit.

By Julie Weed

Isidore Elias, a playwright and songwriter from New York, was looking forward to seeing his 96-year-old mother, Sally, a Holocaust survivor living in Florida, for the first time in over year. They had both weathered the pandemic safely, but without his periodic visits, Mr. Elias knew he’d have to dive into medical, financial and household issues that had been put on hold during quarantine.

So before his recent visit, Mr. Elias did his homework. He scoped out the rules he’d have to follow to accompany his mother on doctors’ appointments and found a reliable car mechanic. He planned to take care of some delayed maintenance on her apartment. “Cosmetic improvements like fresh paint can make her feel better,” he said.

He arrived ready to be both caring and productive.

Even more important, planning ahead let him enjoy the real heart of his visit: cooking his favorite childhood recipes with his mother and watching dance videos from the 1940s together.

Post-vaccination reunions with aging parents come with hugs, kisses and sometimes a long-overdue list of to-do’s. Whether it’s making small fixes around the house or scheduling big ones, straightening out bills, moving heavy furniture or resetting computer passwords, adult children are often faced with chores that went undone while everyone was in quarantine. Letting the problem-solving part of the trip overwhelm the joy can be a real danger, though, and being overenthusiastic about getting things done can end up creating tension if parents are reluctant or don’t see the problem the same way. Here are some tips on finding the right balance.

Ask before you arrive.

A few weeks before your visit, encourage your parents to start making a list of anything that needs attention and to add things to it as they occur to them. Have them share the list with you ahead of time, so that you can bring any necessary tools or supplies. If the list includes anything that requires a professional, whether for home maintenance, legal work or doctor’s appointments, schedule those before you arrive to coincide with your visit. The advance preparation will let you spend your time and attention on-site with your parent rather than chasing down details.

Once you’re there, assess.

Parents may have deteriorated mentally or physically over the last year and family members “may not be able to detect these health changes over the phone or on Zoom,” said Marlyce Hill Ali, the medical director at CenterWell Senior Primary Care in Louisville, Ky. Dr. Ali said adult children should observe their parents balance, hearing and sight. Are they eating properly, cleaning their home as well as they had before the pandemic and following doctors’ orders? “Look in their refrigerator and in their pill bottles,” she advised.

One trick for medications, Dr. Ali said, is to look at the date the prescription was filled, and then count the number of pills in the bottle to calculate whether the correct number has been taken.

Watch your parents as they go about their day to see where they are struggling, advised Anita Darden Gardyne, the chief executive of Onēva a technology platform that helps families in California find caregivers. Ms. Darden Gardyne also cares for her mother, who is legally blind. Aging parents might not be able to reach as high or stoop as low as before, so closets and pantries may need to be reconfigured, she said. Furniture or appliance layouts that worked well for years may need adjusting. Watch out for electrical cords running across the floor or other tripping hazards. If any new services such as lawn care or pharmacy delivery are needed, set them up and make sure they happen.

Plan your days.

Schedule your activities around your parents’ routines said Eric Troy, director of the Holocaust Survivors Assistance Program at Goodman Jewish Family Services in Davie, Fla. If your parents have more energy in the mornings, use that time to accomplish tasks they should participate in. If they nap in the afternoon, use that time to review bills, shop, coordinate caregivers or make repairs.

Navigate tough topics.

When change is needed, it’s important to keep your parent at the center of the conversation as much as possible, said Ms. Darden Gardyne, by listening to them and getting their input on finding solutions. “If you start dictating, it’s not going to go well,” she said. “It’s better to ask, ‘Who do you think can help us with this?’”

Turning to logic rather than emotion can also help address difficult topics, Dr. Ali said. If your parents are watching TV with the volume turned all the way up, for example, she said, you might ask them if they are having trouble hearing the doorbell, kitchen timer or telephone, as a way to start talking about the need for a hearing test or hearing aids.

Communicate with caregivers.

Mr. Elias’s mother lives on her own with the help of aides, but the agency that employs them has been hard-pressed to send the same helpers consistently, a situation made worse by the pandemic, when people became afraid to care for others in their homes. To make things easier for all involved, Mr. Elias created “a manual” for aides that provides information about her medication and health issues, but also includes his mother’s favorite meals, her daily routines and the phone numbers of local relatives she can speak with if she is agitated. “She can panic if she sees a strange person in her home,” so these touchstones can help reduce her anxiety and make the caregivers’ job easier, Mr. Elias said.

Mr. Troy, of the Holocaust survivors program, advises adult children to befriend the people in their parents’ lives, including home health aides, neighbors, local repair people or friends. “Not only are they able to observe your loved one when you are away, they also can report any changes that your loved one may not share,” he said, or help them with small matters on your behalf.

Encourage exercise.

Without events to attend and friends to visit, parents may have gotten into the habit of taking more naps or watching more TV, said Leslie Forde, founder of Mom’s Hierarchy of Needs , a business that researches self-care for mothers and consults with companies on family-friendly policies. It may not be on their to-do list, but helping parents get active again can improve their physical and mental health. When Ms. Forde reconnected with her parents recently, she suggested they take walks around the playground where they enjoyed watching the children, do small errands on foot and use the stationary bike at home.

Remember, everyone can use help.

Even older parents who thrived during the pandemic can use some help. Richard and Roseanne Packard of Berkeley, Calif., both in their late 70s, took on tasks like resurfacing their deck themselves during the pandemic and had an N95 mask for each day of the week stored in labeled baskets so they could be used the following week. Still, when their daughter and college-age grandson visited from Wisconsin for five days in mid-May, they had work for them to do rearranging furniture, boxing up giveaways and dropping them at Goodwill, and moving heavy garden rocks. “We were helping them optimize,” said their daughter, Suzanne Swift. After being mainly housebound they were ready to make some changes, “but needed some tech-assistance and muscle to make it happen,” she said.

Talk about the future.

Creating medical and legal directives, wills and other late-life instructions is a daunting task for anyone. Without these documents though, older people’s wishes around medical treatment or their estate may go overlooked. It’s best to ask them “what do you want to have happen?” and let others take it from there, said Ivan Watanabe, a financial representative at Guardian Life Insurance. That will usually mean getting a lawyer or estate planner involved. Clarity around these discussions can reduce anxiety, improve the quality of health care and put in place a plan that deals with any inheritance tax implications.

Savor the time together.

It’s been more than a year since you have hugged your parents! “Have all the fun you can,” said Ms. Darden Gardyne. “Put on the music you grew up with and enjoy the time you have together.”

An earlier version of this article misstated the position of an expert on aging issues at Guardian Life Insurance and misspelled his surname. He is Ivan Watanabe, not Watannabe and he is a financial representative, not a managing partner. 

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How often should you visit your elderly parents?

When a parent goes into senior or assisted living, their child often wonders how often they should visit mom or dad.

It's an important question in order to maintain a strong bond between parent and child. Life and social commitments can get in the way, making weekly visits difficult.

Most experts have differing opinions.

Some agree that weekly visits are important, but that often depends on how close parent-child live from one another.

Others think monthly or bi-yearly visits suffice.

At Starling , we understand it simply boils down to the bond and the ease at which visits can happen.

A 2021 New York Times article on visiting your aging parents suggests bringing a to-do list to the visits.

"During quarantine, medical, financial and household issues may have cropped up. Preparing before your visit can ease tensions and get to what you really want — a joyful visit," the article says.

It's also good to plan things to do when visiting parents. Perhaps a stroll around the community or a visit to a local coffee shop can make the visit enjoyable for all.

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How Often Should You Visit Your Elderly Parents?

Date Updated: July 26, 2024

Written by:

Rachel Lustbader is a writer and editor with a background in healthcare and technology. Her work has been published on websites including HealthCare.com, BiteSizeBio.com, BetterHelp.com, Caring.com, and PayingforSeniorCare.com. She studied health science and public health at Boston University. Both of Rachel’s grandmothers had very positive experiences in senior living communities, and Rachel saw firsthand the impact that kind, committed caregivers and community managers can have on seniors’ and their family members’ lives. With her work at Caring, Rachel hopes to help other families find communities, caregivers, and at-home products that benefit elderly loved ones and make life less stressful for family caregivers

As a rule, you should visit your elderly parents as much as they can reasonably handle, though the exact frequency and length of your visit will vary based on your parents’ condition, their schedule and their ability to manage social calls. You may also be limited by the visitors’ policy at the facility where your parents live.

Visiting Independent Seniors and Parents in Assisted Living

Many people see their elderly parents every day when they drop off their grandchildren and go to work. Others make a point of visiting every weekend, every other weekend or on whatever schedule is mutually agreeable. As a rule, the more you visit the better, though seniors can also benefit from having a bit of time for themselves apart from visitors, even beloved family members.

Visiting Your Parents in Inpatient and Long-Term Care

Seniors may not be able to manage as many visits when they transition into inpatient or long-term care. Hospitals frequently have certain visiting hours, which can limit the time you spend with your parent after surgery or immediately after an injury. Overnight stays at the hospital may be an exception to this limit, though a lot depends on the hospital’s policy and your parent’s condition.

Residential care homes, nursing homes and memory care facilities aim to allow as much visiting time as possible, however they may limit visiting hours like hospitals to avoid disturbing other residents. Even with these restrictions, daily visits are usually just fine, provided your parents are able to get all the care they require and still have the privacy they need. Most hospice care facilities do whatever they reasonably can to facilitate nearly unlimited visits from family and friends since the focus of care has shifted away from treatment and toward the comfort of the patient. As long as your visits aren’t disruptive or distressing to your parents, you’re likely to have unrestricted time to stay with them.

When Should You Avoid Visiting Your Parents?

As positive as family visits can be for most seniors, sometimes frequent visits can do more harm than good. If, for example, your elderly parent has dementia and gets upset when you visit, it might be best to limit your time with them in person. This isn’t very common, but if your visits cause distress for a parent who has trouble remembering loved ones, you may want to visit less frequently and rely more on the staff for updates about your loved one’s condition. Visits may still be possible, but your parent’s well-being should be the highest priority for memory care staff.

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5 Ways to Improve Exhausting Family Visits

Master your mindset and behavior to avoid old fights and find peace in chaos..

Posted December 17, 2018

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For some, going home to visit family means signing up for a string of difficult family dinners, events, and conversations encounters that replay old family dynamics and arguments. Rather than joy, comfort, and connectedness, feelings of anxiety , frustration, and helplessness prevail as you step back into your childhood home. But preparation, the proper mindset, and support systems can ease and even entirely change the tenor of your family experience. Here are five ways to make that happen:

1. If It Happened Before, Expect It Now

If your family has a history of bringing up divisive political subjects, commenting on your relationship status, or comparing your career trajectory to your sibling ’s, expect it to happen now. Leading up to a gathering, many hope that maybe this time, things will be different. Perhaps nobody will bring up obviously difficult subjects or make hurtful comments. But they probably will. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, and family members act predictably unless they intentionally decide to change. Prepare to encounter exactly what you expect. This knowledge, truly internalized, can help you feel more in control of your experience; nobody will catch you unaware.

2. Respond Rather than React

Once you’ve accepted that your family will act in expected ways, make an active decision about how you want to respond. Without preparation, we react. With preparation, we respond. Plan a response to expected issues that comes from a grounded, calm place. This can change the script of a familiar fight. Your chosen response will depend on the way your family operates and what issues come to the foreground. If divisive politics wreak havoc on dinner, perhaps you’ll plan to gently steer the conversation to other subjects. Or you might take a direct approach, saying, “This is kind of a divisive subject, can we change the subject and save this one for after dinner?” Or maybe, knowing your family, neither of these strategies will work. But instead of jumping into the argument like you always do, you will make an active decision to let the conversations happen around you while you breathe deeply and enjoy the food until it passes. You may even decide to take a five-minute bathroom break to gain some distance. Whatever strategy you choose, plan it and stick to it. Notice the pull to return to old patterns and remember your goal of responding rather than reacting.

3. Set Boundaries in Advance

In addition to preparing your responses, take stock of the boundaries you have with family members and tweak them, if necessary. If your Great Aunt Ida comments on your relationship status each time she sees you, consider giving her a call before seeing her and saying something like, “I noticed that in the past, you’ve asked about my relationship status at the dinner table and that it becomes a topic of conversation. I really appreciate how much you care about my well-being, but I would prefer if you did not do that this year.” Whatever the response, remain kind but firm in your request. Sometimes, loved ones do not realize the pain they cause when they bring up a subject you’d rather avoid.

4. Notice your Role

In every family conversation, each person plays a role, though they often go unnoticed. Conflicts happen when the same people play the same roles over and over again, reacting to one another in familiar ways. This visit home, notice each family member’s role. Who initiates difficult conversations? Who plays peacemaker when two family members begin to argue? Who breaks up the fight? Who makes passive-aggressive comments? Notice what role you typically play. Do family members look to you to break up the fights? Are you expected to pick a side? Are you the distractor who breaks up the tension by making a joke? Once you notice your role in the family dance, you will have the power to decide if that role suits you or if you want to respond differently.

5. Have a Buddy on Standby

When faced with the things that push our buttons the most, having a friend to call on or text during and after the fact can help you feel grounded. Tell a friend that you may need to text them during your visit (discreetly or in the bathroom if there is a no-phone rule at the table). A friend on the outside may help you avoid getting sucked in while also giving you something to look forward to after the fact.

While you cannot control the decisions and words of others, with these tools, you can gain a greater sense of control over yourself and over how you respond in familiar scenarios.

Read Next: 3 Types of Family Secrets and How They Drive Families Apart

Sarah Epstein, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist, writer, and consultant seeing therapy clients in TX and Pennsylvania.

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The Coronavirus Crisis

Taking a trip to visit grandparents or older relatives tips to reduce the risk.

Allison Aubrey

Jane Greenhalgh

One of the hardest things during this pandemic — for kids and adult children — has been staying away from their parents and grandparents.

People 65 years and older are at higher risk for getting a severe case of COVID-19, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. And about 80% of deaths in the U.S. from COVID-19 have been in people older than 65.

So it's been especially important for older people to practice social distancing — even from family members — to reduce the risk of infection.

But the summer is here, communities are reopening and with many families living miles apart, a trip to see parents and grandparents is tempting. Here are some things to consider before you go.

Assess the risk

Remember, the risk of becoming severely ill with COIVID-19 increases with age, says Dr. Ravina Kullar , an epidemiologist and spokesperson for the I nfectious Disease Society of America. So the older the parent or grandparent, the higher the risk. And if your relative has an underlying health condition , like diabetes, lung disease, hypertension, or if they are immunosuppressed, "that puts them at even higher risk," Kullar says. So before the visit, assess the age and health of the person you are visiting — and consider whether the trip is worth the risk.

Plan ahead, by two weeks

If you decide to make the trip, the two weeks leading up to the visit are key, says Dr. William Miller , an epidemiologist at Ohio State University College of Public Health. You want to reduce your chance of infection as much as possible. While complete quarantine may not be practical, limit outings or social gatherings, and take maximum precautions when going out. Practice social distancing, wear a mask, and work from home if possible, to reduce your chances of getting infected. Complete quarantine would mean staying entirely home except for necessary medical care.

Another factor to consider is what the infection rates are where you live, says Kullar. You have more risk of infection if you live in a place which is reporting a lot of new cases every day, than if you live in an area where no cases have been reported for several weeks. You can use NPR's coronavirus tracker to find out how many cases there are in your state.

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Tracking the pandemic: are coronavirus cases rising or falling in your state.

To find detailed information about your county, check your state's health department web site — many states publish county-level data, or look up your area in a national tracker like the Dartmouth Atlas of Health Care.

If you can, make it a road trip

Traveling by car will be safer than traveling by plane or train, Miller says. The main risks in a road trip are the stops along the way, such as restaurants or public restrooms.

"I would recommend you do anything you can to limit your exposure," Kullar says. "If you have to fill up the gas tank, put gloves on and use hand sanitizer. Pack your own food so there are no additional stops at restaurants."

The main risk from restrooms are from those that are small, busy and poorly ventilated — like "those restrooms in a gas station off the highway where the restroom is outside," Miller says. Try to choose a bathroom that looks clean and is well stocked with supplies. Avoid bunching up in a line, or staying in the restroom long, if you are within 6 feet of others. Wear a mask, wash your hands after you go, and use hand sanitizer if you touch any surfaces after that.

If it's a long trip and you need to stay overnight in a hotel, "make sure you sanitize everything," Kullar says. Take disinfectant, wipe down surfaces, limit time spent in indoor public spaces and wear a mask.

Think twice before you fly

"Planes are a major concern," Miller says, despite the high level of air filtration on most planes. In planes you are exposed to people several rows ahead and behind, for an extended period of time. It can also be hard to social distance as you navigate the airports. Trains and buses likely have similar exposure, Miller says.

If you do take a plane, bus or train, "choose routes that are less populous," says Dr. Emily Landon , a hospital epidemiologist and infectious diseases specialist at University of Chicago Medicine. "Make sure you are wearing a mask and using hand hygiene," she says. And look for an airline, train or bus company that is enforcing rules like universal masking.

If you do fly, or take public transportation, you need to quarantine on arrival, Miller says. Stay in a hotel or rental, and socially distance for 10 to 14 days, before visiting your parents or grandparents. "This means a true quarantine — no visits to theme parks, museums or restaurants," Miller says.

Should you get tested?

Kullar suggests getting a PCR test before you travel. That's the diagnostic test to determine if you are infected with the virus that causes COVID-19. People who are asymptomatic or presymptomatic can spread the virus, without even knowing they are infected. If your test is positive you should cancel your trip and quarantine yourself for 14 days and get retested. Also, it is important to tell anyone that you have been around of your positive test result, Kullar says.

But if your test is negative, you still need to take precautions. Tests are not always accurate . According to the CDC, it's possible you could still have COVID-19, even if your test result is negative.

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Fda cautions about accuracy of widely used abbott coronavirus test.

"It's important to remember testing is not perfect ," Miller says. "A test is a snapshot in that moment." If the test is taken too early after infection, there may not be enough virus present to be detected by a test.

So if you do get a negative test before you travel, you must still make sure you've put in two weeks of strict social distancing before the visit.

From Camping To Dining Out: Here's How Experts Rate The Risks Of 14 Summer Activities

Where should you stay?

Given that many people won't be able to fully quarantine, you want to be really careful, "get an Airbnb" or a hotel room, advises Kullar, and just drop by and visit. "Sit outside, greet without touching. Keep your distance. Wear a mask and stay outdoors," she says. "Transmission is a much lower probability outside, as long as you are keeping a good 6 feet distance apart, thanks to the constant airflow," she adds.

If you've been able to quarantine for 14 days, it's reasonable to stay with your older relatives in their home. But, remember, you need to remain vigilant. "Your risk is tied to the risk of the people that you spend time with up close and unmasked," Landon says.

So once you've arrived where your older relatives live, "you want to keep your bubble intact," Miller says. You may want to limit any other social contacts during the visit and just focus on quality time with the grandparents or a few close relatives. Anybody that you are going to hang out with up close and without your mask, especially indoors, could potentially spread the virus. So, keep the circle small, and expand it only with people who have been practicing social distancing and taking precautions.

And if you're adding more people to the mix for a gathering, it's best if you can stay outdoors, and tell everyone to BYOB — and BYO-everything (bring your own everything) to limit the touching of shared surfaces.

Limit activities when you get there

What you do during the visit also matters. Avoid crowds, and stick to outdoor activities as much as possible.

"Don't go out to theme parks and museums [or other crowded places], even if the grandparents don't go along," Miller says. That's because most transmissions of the virus are thought to happen in household settings. So if you get exposed outside the home you could bring that home and infect your relatives.

"If you're sharing the house, everything you do is shared with the elderly folks," Miller says.

If you are taking young children to visit their grandparents, talk to them before you go, advises Kullar, tell them why it's not a good idea to hug their grandmother or grandfather. "Really have a solid discussion with them about that because they may have trouble adhering to the social distancing measures." Miller agrees: "Limit hugs and close contact, unless you have done a full quarantine" — which means not leaving the house for anything except necessary medical care.

Consider staying home

Unless, you can rigorously follow all the guidelines above, it may be that the best way to be really safe is to forego the family visit this year and stay home, Miller says. Find creative ways to engage with your parents or grandparents by phone or video. Play games by video, read books together, watch a movie at the same time.

"This is a time to embrace some virtual tools," Kullar says, to make sure your loved one doesn't feel socially isolated. She lives in Los Angeles, her mother in North Carolina, so they meet for morning coffee using face time and have dinner together maybe once a week.

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What Aging Parents Want From Their Kids

There’s a fine line between caring and controlling—but older adults and their grown children often disagree on where it is.

Several years ago, I wrote a book aimed at helping adult children of my generation manage the many challenges of caring for our aging parents. I interviewed women and men across the country about their struggles and successes. I also spoke with members of the helping professions: geriatricians, social workers, elder-law attorneys, administrators of assisted-living facilities, and just about anyone and everyone who I thought could shed light on the subject. Everybody, that is, except the aging parents.

That now strikes me as a glaring omission. No doubt it’s because I’ve since become an aging parent that I find myself looking at the matter of parent care from a different perspective. I nod in agreement when the son of a friend expresses concern to me about his dad driving after dark, but I also understand when my friend, his father, complains of “being badgered by my kids about my driving.” He and his children may have different answers to the situation’s key questions: How serious a problem is the father’s driving? And how capable is the father of making his own decisions?  Certainly there are situations where an adult child’s intervention in the ailing parent’s life is clearly needed, but what if this isn’t one of those times?

As parents get older, attempts to hold on to our independence can be at odds with even the most well-intentioned “suggestions” from our children. We want to be cared about but fear being cared for. Hence the push and pull when a well-meaning offspring steps onto our turf.

Another case in point: My friend Julia and I recently met at a local museum. She’s 75, a retired editor and volunteer docent. Over lunch, we caught up on family news—kids, grandkids. She took out an iPhone to show me pictures. I asked about her daughter, who had recently moved back to the East Coast from Chicago. “It must be nice to see her more often,” I said.

Julia sighed. “Yes, but—” she said.  “Whenever Brenda drops by, I’m not sure whether she’s come to visit or to check up on me: Does my home meet the clean test? Is the yogurt in my refrigerator long past its ‘use by’ date?”

“I feel like I’m constantly being assessed,” she concluded.

I have some idea of what she means. My husband and I have taken to checking the due dates of groceries prior to a visit from any of our three sons. They’ve even got the grandkids going through my spice cabinet. For them it’s a game, except I don’t feel like playing. Ten years ago, I probably would have joined in the fun. Now I’m more sensitive to being criticized.

A week later, I found myself discussing the same thing with Elinor, another friend of mine. We had been talking about a number of recently aired tributes to Frank Sinatra when we blocked on the name of another singer of that era. “I see an M ,” I said. Running through the alphabet often works for me. Triumphantly, Elinor came up with the right answer: Mel Torme. She was relieved.

“My son and daughter-in-law have made me very self-conscious about my memory,” Elinor told me. “Whenever they catch me in a lapse like not knowing the day’s date—I mean, I know it’s a Thursday, but is it the 21st or 22nd of the month?” Whenever she has trouble finding the right word, “they exchange these long, meaningful looks.” The only thing their scrutiny accomplished, she told me, was putting her on edge when they spent time together.

Has she talked to them about her feelings? No, she said. “I do enjoy their company, but I also find myself looking for excuses to see them less often.”

So what are older parents looking for in relationships with their adult children? In a 2004 study, two professors from the State University of New York at Albany, the public-health professor Mary Gallant and the sociologist Glenna Spitze, explored the issue in interviews with focus groups of older adults. Among their findings: Their participants “express strong desire for both autonomy and connection in relations with their adult children, leading to ambivalence about receiving assistance from them. They define themselves as independent but hope that children’s help will be available as needed. They are annoyed by children’s overprotectiveness but appreciate the concern it expresses. They use a variety of strategies to deal with their ambivalent feelings, such as minimizing the help they receive, ignoring or resisting children’s attempts to control …”

“One of the scariest things to people as they age is that they don’t feel in control anymore,” says Steven Zarit, a professor of human development and family studies at Pennsylvania State University. “So if you tell your dad not to go out and shovel snow, you assume that he’ll listen. It’s the sensible thing. But his response will be to go out and shovel away … It’s a way of holding on to a life that seems to be slipping back.”

Whether that means he’s independent or intransigent depends on who’s making the call. A recent study by Zarit  and his colleagues looked at parental stubbornness as a complicating factor in intergenerational relationships. Not surprisingly, adult children were more likely to say their parents were acting stubborn than the parents were to see the behavior in themselves. Understanding why parents may be “insisting, resisting, or persisting in their ways or opinions,” the study reads, can lead to better communication. Zarit’s advice to the adult child: “Do not pick arguments. Do not make a parent feel defensive. Plant an idea, step back, and bring it up later. Be patient.”

But that goes both ways. I speak from experience when I say that too often, parents engage in magical thinking—our children should have known x , or should have done y —and then we’re disappointed if they don’t come through. The onus here is on us older parents to speak up. The clearer we are in describing our feelings and stating our needs, the better our chances of having those needs met.

Karen Fingerman, who was a co-author on Zarit’s study, suggests a different approach. A professor of human development and family sciences at the University of Texas, Fingerman is also the director of a three-generational study that focuses on middle-aged children and how they care for the generations above and below them. “The research shows that they have a pretty good idea of what their parents’ needs really are,” she says. “Older parents might do better to try to understand and address the child’s concerns. We found in our research that when the middle-aged adult is worried about the aging parent, the parent is both annoyed by that and feels more loved.”

At a recent 80th-birthday party for my friend Leah, I found myself seated at a table for eight, all women of a certain age: my very own focus group. At the main table, Leah was surrounded by her family: two sons, their wives, seven grandchildren. A photographer was taking pictures. A beautiful family, all my tablemates agreed.

“While we’re on the subject of families …” I began. I asked the women about their own families, specifically about anything they might want to say to their own adult children. “I’d just want to say thank you,” said one, “and I do say it all the time.” She explained that she was sidelined by a back ailment this past year, and “my daughters, despite their busy social and professional lives, bent over backwards to do everything for their father and me.”

“What I’d want to say to my daughters?” asked another woman, seated to my right. “I’d want to tell them, ‘Buzz off.’” The daughters are both in their early fifties; their mother, widowed early in her marriage, is fiercely proud of her success as a single mother. “They’re always offering to do this, do that, and do the other thing, and it just drives me crazy,” she said. “It tells me that they think I’m not competent.” As a result, she’s stopped telling them when she really does have a problem.

Our conversation was brought to a close by the sound of a spoon clicking against glass. Leah’s older son rose to offer a toast. “To the birthday girl,” he began, going on to extol his mother’s virtues … Other toasts followed. Finally, Leah took the floor. “To my wonderful family …” she began. In her case, I guess that said it all.

A previous version of this article appeared on NYCityWoman .

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How Often to Visit Elderly Parents and Relatives

Estimated Reading Time: 6 minutes

Eva Taylor-Jones

Care Expert

Last Updated: 24/07/2024

When an elderly parent, relative or other close loved one moves into a care home , it can cause a big change to your usual routine. Especially if you were acting as a carer for them , it can be difficult to recognise when and how often to visit now they are receiving support.

Being able to find the balance in your own life as well as theirs is important, so here are our tips on how often you should visit your elderly parents and relatives.

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How Often Should I Visit?

There’s no right answer to how often you should visit your elder family members as everyone’s personal situations are different. Factors like distance and family dynamics will play a part. Some people will visit their loved one in a care home a few times a month, while others will make more or less frequent visits.

With that said, many different studies prove the social isolation of the elderly is associated with cognitive decline, a decline in health and depression. Regular visiting is vital for reassuring your loved ones that you are there for them, so deciding how often you visit is simply down to how often you can manage to with your schedule.

A good way to find out how often people visit their loved ones in care homes is to ask the staff as they will be able to gauge how often a visit can benefit your loved one, as they are the ones spending the most time with your loved one.

The Benefits of Visiting Elderly Parents and Relatives

There are so many benefits that come with visiting your elderly parents and relatives. From combatting feelings of isolation to letting them know how important they are to you, it's a great way to brighten up their day!

It can help combat loneliness - According to AgeUK , there are 1.4 million chronically lonely older people in England. By visiting and keeping in touch with your elderly parents and relatives, you can help reduce that statistic and impact their mental health in a positive way.

You can ensure they are receiving good care - If your elderly loved one is living in a care home, it should be a fact they are receiving high-quality care from the staff. However, it is unfortunately sometimes the case where residents are not receiving the correct levels of care or are experiencing some form of neglect. Not only will visiting regularly give you peace of mind that they are in a safe environment, but it can also allow you to build a good relationship with their carers.

It can help your elderly relative feel useful - If your loved one is no longer able to tackle the physical tasks they were once able to, they feel helpless. Talking to them and asking questions can help to them feel useful and needed. Regular visits can help care home residents stay engaged in life and it gives them a chance to hear about their family, the people they care about the most.

We’re here to help you find the right care home for you or your loved one. You can request a free list of care homes from our care experts, who will then share homes matching your budget, location and type of care needed. You can also search for a care home through our easy-to-use directory.

Tips for Visiting a Loved One in a Care Home

It’s easy to load guilt on yourself if you think you aren’t visiting enough, but there are many different ways you can make the most of your visits so that you and your elderly family members can cherish the time that you spend together, no matter how often it is.

Be aware of their daily schedule - After moving into a care home, your elderly loved one’s schedule may have changed slightly, so it's best to find out what time fits into their schedule. Calling ahead and asking the staff when a good time to visit is a great idea.

Take another family member or friend with you - When you’re loved one is living in a care home, they may feel like they see the same people all the time. Perhaps you could take one of their friend’s or a younger family member like a grandchild with you to brighten their day up! Be sure to notify the care home staff that someone will be an additional visitor joining you.

Physical touch - Although this hasn’t been possible in recent years, giving your elderly parent or relative a warming hug or just simply holding their hand can be extremely comforting to them, especially if they are not yet settled into their care home. If they like physical affection, this is a great way to feel connected.

Engage in conversation - For some, visiting an elderly relative may seem like a repetitive task, but for the elderly, it can be the brightest part of their day. By conducting an engaging conversation by asking extra questions and asking how they feel rather than being distracted, you can make your loved one’s day.

What Not to do When Visiting a Care Home

Whilst it may be a familiar act, it’s important to not interfere with the care of other residents in care homes it is the nurses and carers role and it may not be safe for you to do so. It’s important to build good relationships with the carers and nurses as they are a great source when it comes to finding out how your elderly parent or relative is doing.

It also may not be possible to be able to visit your loved one as much as you would like and it’s important to not feel guilty about this. Your loved one is receiving the best level of support: they will have a wealth of companions and brand new friends in their new home.

When your elderly parent or loved ones move into a care home, it can take a while to adjust and figure out a new visiting routine, especially if you are used to being a care provider for them. Regular visits can give you peace of mind that they are in good hands and are receiving the care they need.

Lottie matches care seekers with the best care homes for their needs. You can request a free care home shortlist , where we’ll share homes matching your budget, location and type of care needed. You can also search for a care home through our easy-to-use directory.

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How often should Adult Children visit parent(s)? Or how much effort is reasonable?

I am 40 and my mom is 70. She lives independently 2 hours away in a community that she loves. We have a decent relationship and talk almost everyday. Here is the tricky part: She can be passive-aggressive and will not say what she wants.

For example: She asked me to visit to help her with a specific bank document. Even though it can be done over the phone, I said “yes” and took a Friday off work so that we can meet at the bank and go to lunch afterwards. She then asked if I could spend the night to help move some furniture. I said “no” that I have plans for Saturday and explained that moving furniture is not something either of us should be doing. The retirement property has an on-site team that can do it.

Being that I said “no” to helping around the house afterwards, I believe that I hurt her feelings. She said she understood and suggested we postpone the review of the legal doc until spring. I told her I’m still coming down on Friday.

Another example: I asked her what she would like to do for her birthday. She said she is “perfectly fine” staying home and that she doesn’t need a party. She said she is happy if we are happy. I explained that we can’t plan a birthday lunch without her input because she’s the guest of honor. I threw out a few suggestions and she closed the subject.

I don’t understand why visiting/making plans is so difficult. I asked her if she wants more visits or less visits and the answer varies from “I don’t want to be a burden” to “anytime your free”. I certainly recognize that both of those statements are true.

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Recent questions, popular questions, related questions.

How To Impress Your Parents At Your Next Visit

Most kids leave their parents feeling very mixed when they fly the coop . On one hand, their parents are stoked to have some peace and quiet, some time to focus on themselves, and some time to enjoy a clean house. But on the other hand, they might feel lonely and old, à la, “you were just a baby and now you’re off to college” — nostalgia . I think duality exists for parents when their kids come home to visit . They’re both excited to be reunited and terrified for the mess and invasion their finally serene space.

Whenever I visit my parents, I try my best to make them happy to see me and and sad to see me leave. But as you may already know, it only takes one wet towel on the floor or one dirty dish to send them off into a speech about responsibility and maturity and be quickly belittled to the person you were the first time you left the house, no matter how much you’ve changed for the better.

So as to avoid being shrunk back into my high school self, these are 11 things I do for my parents when I come home to visit , aside from hanging up my wet towels. Because even if you're not a super adult just yet, why not trick your parents into believing you are for the few days you spend with them?

Clean Up After Yourself

Impress your parents with how adult and responsible you are. Ever since you left, the house has probably been clean. They'll be expecting you to mess it up — don't! Don't leave drawers or doors open. Hang up towels. Turn off lights. You know, all the annoying stuff you used to get in trouble for.

Make Them Dinner

Give your parents a break one night and make them dinner. Surprise them with a fully cooked meal and make them feel special. It's the least you can do after over two decades of meals they made for you.

Ask Them What They Haven’t Gotten Around To

There's probably some chore around the house that you could really help out with. Maybe your parents need a lightbulb changed, maybe they want to donate some coats. There's always something random that they've be meaning to get around to — you can be the person to help with that.

Do Some Yard Work

Yard work is the worst, but pitching-in and taking the work load off your parents is a sweet gesture. Grab a rake and help out — you're only there for a little bit, put some work in. At the very least, offer a hand.

Clean Out Your Room

Accept the fact that you've moved out and finally clean out your room. You don't have to throw everything away, but make sure that it's clean enough that your parents can use it for whatever they like. It's the adult thing to do, and it will be a relief for your parents.

Respect Their Old Rules

Just because you're not 16 anymore doesn't mean you should come stumbling in at 2 a.m.. While you're home, respect your parents' house rules. Even if it drives you crazy that your parents treat you like a child when you're in their home, let them — it is their home, after all.

Bring Them Something Useful

Whether it's flowers, a wrench, a new shower curtain, or a pair of socks, bring your parents something that they might not realize they need. It's thoughtful and unexpected. Who doesn't like to feel thought of?

Thank Them For The Tools They’ve Given You

Make sure to be gracious. Never assume it goes without saying how much you love them an appreciate all they've done for you. Take the time to tell them what they mean to you and how grateful you are for everything they've given you in life.

Bring In The Mail

It's the little things. Bring in the mail for them. It's just an easy way to make their lives easier, and it's no skin off your back. It shows you care and it shows you're trying.

Do The Dishes

Insist on doing the dishes, all of them. Now that you don't live in their house anymore, treat it like how you would if it were a friend's house — clean up after yourself and make yourself useful. This is a charade you can keep up for a few days.

Put Your Phone Away

Do your parents a favor and be present . Don't make them listen to your phone calls or stare at the top of your head while you scan Instagram for hours in front of them. Turn the sound off and leave your phone in your pocket when you're hanging out with your parents. You're not there for long, so catch up and connect.

Images: Anjelika Gretskaia/Moment/Getty Images, Giphy

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Should You Go No-Contact with Your Parents? 4 Tips from a Family Therapist

Plus, what to do if your boundaries aren’t respected.

Whether your sister has always been a toxic presence in your life or your mom refuses to accept boundaries you’ve set —and reminded her of—time and time again, some familial relationships are a far cry from happiness, sunshine and roses. In those cases, going no-contact, or cutting off communication, can be a solution (either temporary or permanent). To learn more about what it means to go no-contact, signs it might be right for you and more, I reached out to licensed marriage and family therapist Carly Harris .

Meet the Expert

Carly Harris , LMFT, is the Young Adult Family Program Director for Newport Healthcare . She has extensive experience in the hospital and healthcare industry as well as a private practice setting. She joined the Newport Healthcare team in 2020, and is highly skilled in assessing and treating a variety of presenting issues for young people and families using evidence-based therapeutic modalities. Harris holds a Master’s degree focused in Marriage and Family Therapy/Counseling from the University of San Diego School of Leadership and Education Sciences.

What Does It Mean to Go No-Contact with a Family Member?

“Going no-contact with a family member usually means prioritizing one’s mental health and setting a boundary by cutting off contact with the family member for a short or long while,” Harris tells me, adding that you might not want this person in your life if they caused you physical, psychological or emotional suffering. “Stopping communication can serve as a form of self-preservation and self-care.”

Per Harris, common reasons people may go no-contact with a family member include:

• Abuse or neglect
• Lack of respect
• Drug or alcohol use
• Religious or political differences
• Criminal behaviorNarcissistic behavior
• Refusal to apologize for inappropriate behavior
• Ignoring boundaries
• Financial arguments

She adds that if you have children that could be exposed to family dysfunction, you may consider going no contact from the family member causing said dysfunction to protect your kids from toxic relational patterns or unsafe environments.

What Are Some Signs Going No-Contact Might Be Right for You?

1. you’ve gained greater awareness of dysfunction.

You’ve always had issues with your mom, but you’ve put up with her behavior because, well, she’s your mom. If things get bad enough, you might have a lightbulb moment that tells you you shouldn’t put up with this any longer. Harris explains, “You have become more aware of how dysfunctional your relationship is with your family member and recognize that you cannot control their behaviors. You may want time to work through some things on your own and need the temporary distance.”

2. You’ve Exhausted Other Options

No-contact is often a last-resort, per Harris. “If you’ve set boundaries, worked on coping mechanisms and tried other options that aren’t being respected, no contact may be necessary for the sake of your mental health and wellness.”

3. The Bad Experiences Outweigh the Good

Once again, maybe you’ve kept your dad in your life because there are some redeeming qualities. Once those redeeming qualities are overshadowed by all of the negatives, it might be time to go no-contact. Harris tells me that separation can give you the space required to take a closer look at the situation.

4. You Need a Break

Plain and simple, going no-contact can create a distance that allows you to reevaluate. Harris says, “You may just need a break from certain family members because you have a lot of other things going on in your life right now, and you need to focus on you.”

How Can You Decide If Going No-Contact Is Right for You?

It can be super helpful to weigh the pros and cons of making the no-contact decision with trusted friends or a therapist, Harris notes, adding that it can also be beneficial to evaluate your own side of the street first. She says, “Have you done what you can to manage your own emotions, communicate effectively or set and maintain appropriate boundaries? Focus on what you can control, which is how you show up in the relationship.” If you’ve done that consistently and still don’t see any positive changes, no-contact might be the right avenue for you. “This is a last-resort decision, after trying other solutions, but it doesn’t have to be permanent.”

Once You’ve Decided to Go No-Contact, What Are Your Next Steps?

“The best way to separate yourself from the situation and go no-contact is to set the boundary and communicate the boundary and purpose clearly to this family member and others who may be involved,” Harris says. On a micro-level, this could mean removing this person from your social media, if seeing their posts makes you feel bad, resentful or frustrated. She concedes that this is far from an easy decision for most people, and it may create some struggles and discomfort. “Working with a therapist can help you better understand your reasons for making this decision and prioritize what is best for you.”

If, once you’ve gone no-contact, a family member ignores your boundaries and continues to reach out, Harris says it’s crucial to reaffirm your boundaries, ignore or block them and lean on friends and other family members for support. The people who have your back will be ready and willing to show up for you in this way.

5 Expert-Approved Tips for Setting Boundaries with Your Ex

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